i'm a cuckoo

So. I've had a lot of unfinished blog and journal entries lately. Mostly because there have been so many changes lately, it's hard to know where to start.

There is another brigade here, again mostly from UC but this time composed of medical students, interns, residents, attendings, and even their kids. Together with the translators, they are almost 40. Like the last brigade, this means... a lot of different things. All of a sudden, there's never any room (though everything has been rearranged to make space), the bathrooms are always occupied, and sometimes we even run out of food. But on top of that, everyone's normal routine is shaken up a bit as we try to accommodate brigade activities, make sure everyone is constantly occupied, entertained, and having a good time, and organize all of the new supplies and medicines that the brigade brought and needs to use.

For instance, I played babysitter last week, walking one of the doctors' kids to and from school every day. It was actually a good experience--I got to interact more with teachers, sit in on a few classes and see what those were like, as well as familiarize myself with the system in general. For instance, I found that Wednesdays are phys ed days. The kids (at least in SL) get half an hour of classroom time, and then jet off to the campo de fútbol to play soccer for the rest of the day. And if children from another community, for instance Magdalena, happen to come to use the soccer field for whatever reason, the kids get to go home. No school!

Plus, since this brigade has a lot of medical students and residents, I have had some incredible learning opportunities--talking to students about med school, to doctors about their experiences with interesting patients, and... teaching stations! Alex, Jess, Ashley, and Beth coordinated some teaching stations to give residents practice on starting IVs, giving IM injections, starting nebulizers, and using blood glucometers. It was... AWESOME. To be in a room full of people interested in both learning from and teaching their fellow peers was absolutely wonderful. Everyone participated, whether by helping teach, offering arms to be pricked/prodded/poked, or trying it out themselves... including the lowly med school applicants, Liz and me! Two hours later, I'd received one IV, 2 IM injections, and had also started an IV and given an IM injection to someone else! Super exciting. On top of that, the brigade leaders have held talks and discussions, so that in essence, the med students are still getting classes while down here.

In other news, I am still learning to live with and adjust my highs and lows concerning life and my work here. Sometimes I will have a wonderful morning, feeling productive, motivated, and inspired. That same day I'll struggle through the afternoon, feeling like no matter how long or hard I work or will work, I still can't ever do enough, and thus can't ever feel accomplished. And I know that the more I work and live here, this feeling is only going to become stronger. Sobering.

About a week ago, Ben and I held a little "This American Life" listening party, specifically for the "Baby College" episode after an animated discussion about education. After hearing about Geoff Canada's successes in Harlem, all of us--Ben, Jess, Liz, Ashley, our new addition Kaitlin, and I--became embroiled in a discussion about how to bring about "sustainable" change, how to assess whether or not we are doing good or are successful, how to distinguish between progress and mere movement toward American ideals and standards, etc. etc. Soon enough, we were descending into existential doubts/questions about what we're doing here, whether there's we're doing more harm than good, what is "progress," or "success," or even health...

But anyway! A couple days ago I moved back to Conce. Jess is also here, and the two of us have moved into our own little room! Since we will be living together, we have been promoted to a slightly bigger room, and even have our own dresser! Needless to say, we were extremely excited to be able to arrange and decorate our little home--my more-or-less permanent stay until June. Yesterday we ventured into town to try to find hangers at the mercado, but to no avail. So instead, we stopped by Delmy's house to say hi to Saraí and Analía (she can walk now!), and met Doña Argentina as well, a storeowner on the other side of the street. Like every other Honduran old woman I've met, Doña Argentina welcomed us with open arms and a kiss on the cheek, happy to meet us and share stories of other gringos who had passed by.

As Jess and I walked (hiked) back up the hill to the clinic and chatted for awhile in our room, I finally started feeling really good about being here. Maybe it was our new room, or Jess, or just the nice conversations we had in town, but for some reason I finally began to feel like Conce is my home, rather than always having a foot (or let's be real, both feet) back in Santa Lucía. Here in Conce, I already feel much different now than when I arrived two months ago to SL, when I was giddy and excited about pretty much everything. Now I feel like I'm really anchoring myself and my work here, and I feel much more settled. I know I will still have my rough days--when I get discouraged about work, or feel lonely--but I also have a more or less permanent safe haven here now.

Anyway, regardless I'll be back in the States in a mere three and a half weeks! Crazy how time flies...

sappiest post yet! sorry...

i had a wonderful morning today. there was nothing remarkable about it--i sat at my little temporary desk, alternately browsing the new york times and reading up on early childhood care and education while brainstorming ideas for CHI. in the meantime, i sipped on two cups of hot coffee, made a couple to-do lists on my new sticky notes (thanks ben), and bantered with janell and liz. but in those few hours, little things kept reminding me that... i really have it good. great, in fact.

i was greeted by TLC first thing in the morning, thanks to friends who are far away, busy with their own lives, and yet make time to send me beautifully written emails that keep me updated and remind me that despite distance and time, some friends will always, always be there.

i read an article about a ballets russes exhibit in london that described the collaborations between diaghilev, nijinsky, and satie--stories i had learned in my music history class just a few months ago. i was not only super excited that the material i learned in class showed up in the NYT, but i also reveled in the fact that i had the opportunity to learn from professors as passionate and wonderful as professor hepokoski. man, his beethoven lectures were good...

i read a chinese blurb about parenting that my mom sent me, and was reminded that i have the most wonderful family a girl could ask for--parents who are sensitive, open-minded, and empathetic, a grandma who is doting, selfless, and never fails to make me smile, and a little brother who despite being bigger, taller, and more mature than i ever remember, always brings out the most protective side of me.

i looked around me, and was again amazed and inspired by the people who work with me. ben with his constant flurry of activity, janell always pushing through with her mountains of paperwork, beth and her reports on everything that has to do with vaginas (okay, just paps and cervical cancer), liz doing her balancing act of med apps, pharmacy, and respiratory study, ashley taking care of and getting excited about her baby, i.e. the clinic bodega, and jess powering through her spanish and nursing books... after four years at yale, again i am lucky enough to find myself surrounded by high-energy peers and colleagues, all of whom are extremely dedicated and passionate about their work. it is an incredible work environment, and i know i'd be hard-pressed to feel this way about any other job in the future.

crazy to think about all the little forks in the road i followed to get to where i am today. almost makes a girl believe in something bigger...

asleep on a sunbeam

So... Where to begin? I am back in Santa Lucía, sitting upstairs with my fellow compañeras as we share pictures and reminisce over our various (mis)adventures, both here and now in Antigua.

After a week away--over three days of traveling and then three days in Antigua--it's weird to be back, thrown back into a routine that...never really existed? We've moved from the downstairs dorms up into the apartments, which means that I now have a corner of a room that isn't really mine, except on the days/weekends that I come back from Conce. But weird living sitch aside, it really is nice to be back and in one place for at least a few days at a time.

cobblestone streets of antigua!

Anyway. Antigua was... A. Mazing. It was really a little bit of everything. A lot of quiet reflection on our 16-hour bus ride, and then a lot of walking up and down cute cobblestone streets, admiring the old buildings and plethora of little shops and restaurants. A morning at the mercado, asking for bargains on everything from a hammock to earrings to a knock-off Toy Story 3 as others shopped for pillowcases and table runners. An afternoon on active Vulcán Pacaya, complete with the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen, marshmallow-roasting over lava, racing i.e. slipping up to the top just so we could say we did, and then hiking back down by headlamp/flashlight, led the whole way by our feisty and nimble lead "tigre," aka our guide Sergio. A night of wandering indecision before finally settling into a 10:30 pm dinner and topping it off with dancing at a nightclub. Aggressive Latin men included, of course.

sergio roasting our marshmallows over lava

sunset on top of vulcán pacaya

"pastel capitalista", mocha, and journal
(me in a nutshell)

A morning by myself in a beautifully decorated coffee shop with a tie-dye papier maché ceiling and painted walls, quietly listening to music and writing in my journal while enjoying a mocha and a huge slice of carrot cake. My best morning, obviously :) And in the afternoon, riding in the bed of a truck with our dresses flying in the air, only to hike down a slippery mud slope in our dresses and flip flops to arrive at the promised Earth Lodge, a peaceful and tranquil avocado farm where we spent the afternoon lounging in hammocks overlooking Guatemala City and Vulcán Agua, the evening feasting on turkey, stuffing, and "pumpkin" (ocote) pie for Canadian Thanksgiving, and the night sitting by the fireplace, talking and laughing with hippies from all over the world who had alternately lived in Korea, Brazil, Palestine, and Saudi Arabia. Made me wonder if I could/would ever live like that, constantly moving and traveling just to shake things up, meet new people, and share new experiences.

my new friends!
byrón, juan carlos, y josé
campo de fútbol, earth lodge

Another quiet day to myself, spent wandering alone and getting lost in the streets of Antigua, people-watching in the park, writing and drawing in coffee shops, chatting with random locals in restaurants, telling the same woman again and again no, I would not like to buy your tapestry... A glorious hour in a different park, listening to music as I watched dads walk alongside their daughters, young teenage lovers playing tonsil hockey against a tree, and one lone old man, sitting quietly by himself on a fountain. And finally, our final night spent at none other but the Jungle Party Inn. A hostel that had hanging multi-colored lamps to set a disco atmosphere, but lacked locks on its doors; had hot showers and internet, but no towels or outlets; and of course, a record number of bitchy receptionists. But only a few hours later, at 3 am, we were back on our way to begin our 32-hour viaje back to Santa Lucía. Fret not, we had misadventures there as well--our bus almost left Liz at a random Texaco stop in Siguatepeque, and then we ran over a cow...

But! Now we're back. Back to the frontera, where there are definitely no other gringos or chinitas walkin the streets, where anything but a 4WD truck or bus on the dirt roads would make us look twice, where we sleep with the sounds of roosters by night and work with the sounds of cows by day, where ants crawl into my clothes and bite me in awkward places, where mis Marías get jealous after seeing me hug Don Luís...

It's good to be back :)

as an aside...

the number of "wow" moments i've had--where i've just been overwhelmed by love, beauty, or just sheer incredulity that i am alive and living this way--and the number of incredible people i have been privileged enough to know, befriend, work with, and/or love are mind-blowing to me. 

i realized today that more than anything else, i am just a conglomeration of the people i love and admire. i have always been surrounded by incredible people, all of whom have at least a few big traits i really admire and aspire to. not only am i lucky with the people in my life, but i have also been privileged with incredible experiences that jolt me out of complacency and monotony, helping me realize just how lucky i am to live the life i lead.

anyway, i wanted to share my sentiment because it literally overwhelmed me today. i promise i'll have a more articulate and less random entry up soon enough :)

paz!

a work in progress

long overdue for updates and a blog post, but again lacking motivation... so. in short:

what i like about conce:

- peace and quiet

- alone time

- rain

- the woman i always see when i go running, who is always concerned about me getting drenched in the rain

what i don't like about conce:

- too much peace and quiet

- too much alone time

- too much rain

- the old woman i always see when i go walking, who is always gesturing to her teeth and then whispering into my ear asking for money

i really should have made a venn diagram...

anyway. fuller update: i've moved to conce! i have a small room that is all mine, which means that the small corner around my mattress is now adorned with pictures and notes to keep spirits high when i get lonely. as of now it will just be me living by myself in the comedor, which means i have a ton of space and privacy, but also that if there's like, say, a dog that comes barking at me out of nowhere and i scream at the top of my lungs, no one can hear me. not that that's happened. 

naaah.

on the whole, things are going pretty well. i'm getting used to the quiet emptiness, though i would really like to make the place a little homier and friendly... working on that. i've become closer to two of the doctors, juan and wilfredo, who promise to be my new friends and sometimes will drink a beer with me (or i'll drink a beer, and they'll drink four or five).

work is rockin' as well. i've mostly wrapped up my vaccination study, and besides faltando some data collection, it seems like our rates and coverage are actually really good around here :) as a bonus, i've won over our health promoters and a few nurses in the health centers, so i'll have at least a couple allies when i start diving into my bigger children's health initiative project. i had some great conversations with suyapa and art about it, just to gauge some ideas, and will continue interviewing various people (doctors, teachers, community health leaders and volunteers, etc.) so i'm pretty excited about that.

for now, i'm back in santa lucía for the week before jetting off to antigua! it's actually really nice to be back. i knew i felt lonelier in conce, but i never realized just how much i missed my daily conversations and routines here. or perhaps it's just the familiarity, the knowledge that i can slip back and comfortably into enjoying good food, drinks, and above all, company. living among people who really understand and empathize with almost every aspect of my personality... that's something really rare, and something i will miss while in conce.

for instance, i had a really good talk with ashley last night, just about our attitudes and feelings about being here now that it's been a few weeks. it seems like our honeymoon period is starting to fade, and we're finally starting to catch up with ourselves in honduras. now that the novelty of being here is wearing off, the me-ness that used to bug me is coming back--my problem of thinking too much, of getting lost in doubts, and other little things. on top of that, it's easy to get lost here in the extreme highs and lows of each day/week. besides our projects, work, and each other, there's little else to do or think about, and i'm starting to see maybe how people here can become so completely absorbed and invested, and consequently more jaded and/or bitter. i don't know if this is a possibility for me too, but i think one struggle for me will be to keep my emotions in check. i feel like in this simple lifestyle, one could really get lost in his/her thoughts and emotions...

anyway, ashley said something last night that i really liked: the idea that we are all works in progress. that we have and will always have inherent characteristics we don't like, but even if we may not always be able to change them (though i always like to think that we can), we can do our best to frame the world in various mindsets, until we find the one that is the both accurate and positive. i like the idea a lot - both as a way to look at ourselves as people, but also at whatever situation we may be stuck in. it always leaves room for improvement, and thus for us to be on the up-and-up.

i like that :)